My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
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I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.