[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
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her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube