lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
You Might Also Like
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.