I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.