Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
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ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.