Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
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me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
My life coach traded me.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time