I heard many of these stories growing up…. πππ
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Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I was so stupid whenever I was young. Iβm much older now though
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
βMy family doesnβt have a black sheep,β I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, βHereβs to bread.β
I might be drinking too muchβ¦
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
βJust chillin.β
Haha!
βHAHA!β
Hehe.
βDrunk again huh?β
Yeah.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My wife had a tick on her. It wasnβt attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Not a creature was stirring, not even a⦠oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I donβt wanna party like itβs 1999, I want to pay my bills like itβs 1999
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, sheβs still alive.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.