Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
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*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.