How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
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According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I needed a laugh this morning.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.