Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
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Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Mad Max: Furry Road
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.