If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
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English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one