Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
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Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.