I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
You Might Also Like
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let鈥檚 get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom鈥檚 swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I鈥檓 going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 馃檨
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I鈥檓 fine, it鈥檚 just seasonal allergies.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
so you鈥檙e telling me a boot cut these jeans
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy