[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
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me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.