“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
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A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!