Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
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Yup.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree