Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
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Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine