i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
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Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
man i love columbo
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag