*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
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It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Worth remembering.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”