Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
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My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
This checks out
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
How all things should be taught/explained.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.