A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
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[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…