[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I falcon love using swear birds
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
This January has 47 Mondays
*puts my mental health in rice
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy