The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
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My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Did…did a minotaur write this
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I don’t think my car can fly
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret