Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
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*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.