I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
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I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Pretty much! 😂👀
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.