I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
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I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.