Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
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if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it