Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
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*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in