A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
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Saw online –
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Me: Same.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Shower sex be like:
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”