KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
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“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.