SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
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I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES