My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
You Might Also Like
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Barbie gone wild
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”