eating my hot dog hamburger style
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[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
When someone says you are so lazy
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.