her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
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After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
#CoronaOutbreak
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.