The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
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If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
One of the best
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
X-tra spooky blend
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.