I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
You Might Also Like
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
When you let grandma cat sit
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .