I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
You Might Also Like
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??