[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
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“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green