Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
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waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.