dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
You Might Also Like
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Body by sandwich.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes