A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
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Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Who did it better?
I’d use my best pan on you.