Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
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“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
no one likes gloating
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I have obtained a hat
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.