Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
You Might Also Like
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
is this store having a stroke wtf
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?