detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
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[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling