is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Put the is in disheveled
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.