12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
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“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?