[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
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Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.