[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
#oldknees
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.