With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
the answer was staring at me all along
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky