CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
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I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
They say women only use 10% of their anger
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.